Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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