I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
