I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
