at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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