I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
