some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
