Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
