Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
