Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
