I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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