Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
All the doctor said was why
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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