All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
