apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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