I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
