I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
