I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
