Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I need to stop coming to work sober
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
