party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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