Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
