I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
