Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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