I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize