i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
