I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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