I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
