I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
