I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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