its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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