I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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