his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
