And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
