Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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