walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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