I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
