dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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