I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
