We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
