After last night, I could never be a politician.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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