anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize