Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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