Yo dont text me then not text me
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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