I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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