She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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