Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
