I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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