is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
