Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
