Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
