are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
