i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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