i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
