Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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