If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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