hotel room ftw
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
