I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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